i can't remember what thanksgivings were like without you. i wonder if you're watching over us. or at least me. in my more bitter moments, i find myself asking, "where did you go? why did you leave me?" but he keeps telling me that you had to go. there are little reminders of you everywhere i go. like when i'm scooping out leftover rice from that plastic box you loved and some drops on the ground. i always pause for a few seconds waiting for you to come pick it up (and eat it) for me. then, of course, i realize that you aren't coming, and that i have to bend over and pick it up myself. i never realized how much work bending over can be. your fur balls are still scattered across our carpet. i think no one really wants to clean those up, because it's all we have left of you.
when i trigger the ice-maker on the fridge i always expect your little paws to come running in hopes for a dropped ice cube. it's always the worst when an ice cube drops now. you're not there. sometimes i still see you waiting outside the backyard door when i'm in the kitchen. then it hits me that you're not there. it's not you standing there, and i'm just seeing things. sometimes i come home, pull my car into the garage... the alarm is going off and i hear you barking your welcome greetings. then it always hits me that you're not there. it's not you barking, and i'm just hearing things. then sometimes i'm out with my friends or with him and i'm happy and it starts to get late, and i decide in my head it's time to go home. then there is that split second where i realize that you won't be home when i get there. sometimes it's really as if you never left me, because i can still see you and hear you and feel your fur between my fingers and your warm body in my arms. (...even though you hated being hugged for too long.)
i won't lie. it hasn't been easy.
thank you for being there for me when i needed you most. i don't know why you thought i'd be okay without you now, but i'm going to try my very best to prove you right. i won't let you down, candy. thank you for holding on until you knew i was okay.
i miss you and i love you always.
love,
me
