loch raven.

I'm starting to think reeling from the pain of a breakup, no matter how fresh the wound, beats living life without that pain. I told a friend of mine, who shall remain anonymous, how lucky he is to still feel that way about somebody. Because I sure as hell don't.

I am now completely void of emotion. Not counting the very strange and random moments I tear up and even find myself in tears (TV shows, movies, museum exhibits conversations with friends, songs, the aftermath of drunken nights, etc.) These are all circumstances I normally would not have cried under. My emotions are out of whack and I'm starting to wonder if it is a blessing or a curse. A curse because maybe I'm in denial about how fucked up this world and these people and their inner demons really are? Or a blessing because I just cruise on by being unaffected by it all -- still smiling, still laughing, still enjoying each day for what it is?

Who knows, but I know in the end... or shall I say, in the beginning... I know exactly what I'm looking for. That feeling. I don't think many people have been lucky enough to experience that moment yet. In retrospect, I don't recall a moment that even compares to the one that's still etched clearly in my mind. It's sad because I don't think a lot of people recognize that moment or are aware that it's even something that's possible to strive for. But it's there. It was there, and for me, I know it will be again. That moment I met him and the world as I knew it just shattered. Everything I ever believed in and everything I knew about myself, or thought I knew, was promptly blown to pieces.

I always knew exactly what I wanted. I still do. And in that regard, I think I'm incredibly lucky.