crycrycrycry.

"After me, the flood." - Valentino

thanksgiving letter.

dear candy,

i can't remember what thanksgivings were like without you. i wonder if you're watching over us. or at least me. in my more bitter moments, i find myself asking, "where did you go? why did you leave me?" but he keeps telling me that you had to go. there are little reminders of you everywhere i go. like when i'm scooping out leftover rice from that plastic box you loved and some drops on the ground. i always pause for a few seconds waiting for you to come pick it up (and eat it) for me. then, of course, i realize that you aren't coming, and that i have to bend over and pick it up myself. i never realized how much work bending over can be. your fur balls are still scattered across our carpet. i think no one really wants to clean those up, because it's all we have left of you.

when i trigger the ice-maker on the fridge i always expect your little paws to come running in hopes for a dropped ice cube. it's always the worst when an ice cube drops now. you're not there. sometimes i still see you waiting outside the backyard door when i'm in the kitchen. then it hits me that you're not there. it's not you standing there, and i'm just seeing things. sometimes i come home, pull my car into the garage... the alarm is going off and i hear you barking your welcome greetings. then it always hits me that you're not there. it's not you barking, and i'm just hearing things. then sometimes i'm out with my friends or with him and i'm happy and it starts to get late, and i decide in my head it's time to go home. then there is that split second where i realize that you won't be home when i get there. sometimes it's really as if you never left me, because i can still see you and hear you and feel your fur between my fingers and your warm body in my arms. (...even though you hated being hugged for too long.)

i won't lie. it hasn't been easy.

thank you for being there for me when i needed you most. i don't know why you thought i'd be okay without you now, but i'm going to try my very best to prove you right. i won't let you down, candy. thank you for holding on until you knew i was okay.

i miss you and i love you always.

love,
me

set by duane michals.

i cried.

remember me as a time of day.

invisible.

I'm the next act

Waiting in the wings

I'm an animal

Trapped in your hot car

I am all the days

That you choose to ignore

You are all I need

You are all I need

I'm in the middle of your picture

Lying in the reeds

I'm a moth

Who just wants to share your light

I'm just an insect

Trying to get out of the night

I only stick with you

Because there are no others

You are all I need

You're all I need

I'm in the middle your picture

Lying in the reeds

It's all wrong

It's all right

It's all wrong

written october 27, 2008.

My top 5 live performances:

1. Radiohead - 2006 @ Embarcadero Center in SD
2. Portishead - 2008 @ Coachella
3. Ben Folds/Rufus Wainwright/Ben Lee - 2005 @ Some venue in SD
4. Radiohead - 2008 @ Hollywood Bowl
5. RJD2 - 2004 @ Troubadour

#3 and #4 were tough but the Ben Folds show won over Radiohead of 2008 simply because Ben Folds rocked the shit out of his piano and to this day the memory makes me sigh. Plus who can beat that lineup?! I was going to do top ten, but after #5 the rest are pretty much a toss-up. Also, I don't quite remember all the shows I've been to, especially the ones prior to 2004. Jon Brion's gig at Largo was definitely top-ten worthy. Might be a tie between him and RJD2 actually. I definitely encourage all to check his set out. He plays at Largo every Friday. Strangely enough none of the hip hop shows (Atmosphere, Eyedea, Typical Cats, Living Legends, Visionaries, etc.) stand out as being worthy of the top-ten. Electrelane in 2007 was definitely an awesome show, partially because it was their last tour EVAR -- now if only I remembered most of it and had not spent the latter half drunk/crying. Rilo Kiley in 2003/2004 (this is where my memory gets hazy) at the Glasshouse was memorable if not for the moment I started to black out and Jeff and I had to give up our spots up front to stand in the back right as Blake Sennett was getting a birthday stripper on stage as a gift from his bandmates. Ugh. Surprisingly, DJ Shadow in 2003 at the House of Blues in LA doesn't make my list either. It was a great show, but I'd expect more out of DJ Shadow. It's only worth mentioning just so I can say I saw him before he got all hyphy.

This was all thought up on my drive from my parents' house to my apartment last night, while listening to the In Rainbows album. Now might I mention that this album is one of few I can listen to from beginning to end without skipping a single track. I swear this record gets better each time I listen to it. On repeat. On loop. On shuffle. On forever.

never underestimate me.

I am pretty damn resilient.

Not to mention heartless when it comes to certain situations.

Comes in handy.

Generally, I am unimpressed by most of you "men" out there. And if for a second in time, you have managed to tickle my fancy in some way, I find that I always end up disappointed by some flaw of yours. Disappointed, bored and quite annoyed by your existence. Before you try to use some lame line on me, can you please try to get to know me better first? ME. Not my face or my lips or my ass or my skin or whatever your perverted mind is thinking about. And when you try to get to know me better, can you please refrain from constantly bragging about yourself? How about start off with asking me questions about myself? That's a new concept, isn't it? It's not that I don't wanna hear about you. Can you just please wait until you actually have something to show for yourself? Maybe THEN I will pause to think and realize maybe, just maybe, you aren't such a waste of space after all.

Why do I keep coming across the same guys over and over? Self-absorbed, self-centered, vapid, disgusting, not-headed-anywhere-in-life guys whose egos are bigger than their dicks.

Harsh it may seem, but my opinion is only my opinion. I'm sure there are females out there dying to make your acquaintance, or to make your bed in the morning.

reading list.

Note to self:

Must add to reading list Haruki Murakami's South of the Border, West of the Sun, per Take's suggestion.

vampire.

"I believe all will happen as it will and should."

- Takeaki Yamazaki

dvf quote from "influence."

"Life is about giving, you know? That's a lesson I can give. It's a luxury to give. And even if people take advantage of you a little bit, it's okay. And you have to learn not to get into something that you don't understand. You have to be careful whom you give money or your time to. You should always understand. You're totally capable of understanding everything."

- Diane von Furstenberg

worst news of the year.

Sorry, Radiohead fans. The band won't be releasing any more full-length records. In a recent interview, the group's lead singer, Thom Yorke, said: "None of us want to go into that creative hoo-ha of a long-play record again. Not straight off. I mean, it's just become a real drag. It worked with In Rainbows because we had a real fixed idea about where we were going. But we've all said that we can't possibly dive into that again. It'll kill us."

:'(

my friend sent me this conversation.

My friend is living in Beijing right now and he sent me this conversation he was having with a local girl about learning English/Chinese... It is quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen all week. (He's the "T")

[18:04] fiul: oh,you exchange with others
[18:06] fiul: this good for you
[18:06] T: what is good?
[18:07] fiul: oral exchanges with others often
[18:08] T: oh, i don't do it very often
[18:08] T: i would like to
[18:08] T: but sometimes it's hard because i spend a lot of time at work
[18:08] T: how about you?
[18:09] fiul: but ,your colleagues say the english
[18:10] fiul: my mother tongue is putonghua
[18:10] T: yes, do you do oral exchanges often?
[18:12] fiul: not usual,iam trying learn english
[18:13] T: i see
[18:13] T: are you good at oral?
[18:14] fiul: not very good
[18:14] T: you can practice on me if you like
[18:15] fiul: really ,iam gald to know you
[18:16] T: oh it's no problem
[18:16] T: i actually like it when people practice oral on me
[18:16] T: i can help you improve
[18:17] fiul: thank you very much
[18:17] fiul: but i have a problem
[18:18] T: it's hard to swallow?
[18:19] fiul: when i listen english ,that fast,so i dont understand
[18:20] T: well the key is repetition
[18:20] T: and you have to use your tongue differently than you're used to
[18:20] T: and you can't be afraid
[18:20] T: just have to enjoy it
[18:21] fiul: oh
[18:21] fiul: is right
[18:22] T: yes, you should trust me
[18:22] T: i'm very experienced with receiving oral
[18:22] T: but it never gets old. i enjoy it every time
[18:25] fiul: oh,i trust you ,i now how to do it
[18:25] T: oh! well that's good then
[18:25] T: you should show me some time
[18:27] fiul: you decide
[18:28] T: ok
[18:28] T: i'm going to shanghai this weekend
[18:28] T: maybe next week?
[18:30] fiul: i'm so sorry ,holiday,i will not beijing

i'm just gonna say it.

Fake lashes.

Girls who wear them, I have a bone to pick with you.

Girls like you make girls like me look bad.

Seriously, for all the times I get asked if I wear fake lashes, how many more people are getting by without asking and actually thinking my lashes aren't real? Not cool.

On a nicer note: Most of you are seriously beautiful as is. Fake lashes are beneath you! Trust.

rad hourani.

Rad Hourani, one of my favorite designers, also happens to have the coolest videos on his YouTube page. This one: so so rad. Pun intended.

michael jackson tribute.

SO sick. Click for larger image. Via Knight Cat.

take my breath away.

Dior couture. Not exactly my style. But, simply put, I am IN LOVE. This makes me want to paint, photograph, drape, and do everything possible to make something (ANYTHING) even half as beautiful as this dress. Via Jak&Jil.

Also, is anyone else loving the pieces/photos from the Givenchy Haute Couture A/W 2009 show? There is nothing like couture that gets my creative juices flowing this way. Although I must say there's also nothing like couture that makes me seriously doubt I've contributed anything great to this world...

Sigh.

spineless.

Today as I was browsing through my daily blog list, I saw this piece by Maria Francesca Pepe and found myself enthralled by the illusion created by the print on the dress coupled with the model's pose. Pondering who the real genius is behind the result.

stay away from being maybe.

I woke up at 7:30 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep so I started listening to Telefon Tel Aviv. This album (Immolate Yourself) always reminds me of Asia (namely Japan). I lay in bed for a while with my eyes closed and my sheets up to my nose and threw myself back into my memories of Japan. Two months later and I can still feel the icy cold air biting at my cheeks. I can still feel the chaos of people slightly brushing against me on the streets. I can still see the bright lights and characters I don't understand. I can still hear the intercom at the train station, and the tones that sounded each time a train pulled up. I can still see the landscape, homes and buildings fly by me as I sat on the trains with my nose glued to the windows. It still feels like I'm there sometimes -- almost as if my life here is unreal and one day I will wake up and be in Japan again. I will open my eyes and find myself sitting inside that little red booth inside that little red bar in Tokyo, with my friends by my side all swaying to the sounds coming from the two Japanese kids performing on stage. I can still feel how free it felt to be there, and waking up this morning in my white bed in my white room reminded me of all the colors of Japan... and how out of place I feel here at times.

If I close my eyes again I can bring my soul back to that place where I felt 110% alive and myself. The anonymity that comes with being in a new place makes it so easy to be exploring and watching with my mind and my heart open. Living life back at home and getting caught up in everyday business -- I sometimes find myself losing that sense of openness. I have to pause and reflect and imagine I'm taking myself from this place. Even if only for a second in time, I plant myself back in the mob of people in the middle of Shibuya, where somehow feeling alone in a strange place full of strange people made me feel more at home than ever before. I hope someday when my journey slows down I can finally feel at home while at home.

quote to live by.

"You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom: absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken."

- Anais Nin

truth.

Ok, I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

The partying/promotion scene seems to be the only place where really ugly dudes with no money can get girls.

likelovehate.

It concerns me how casual people are nowadays with affection. Physically, verbally, intimately, etc. I was never one to be able to kiss or hold someone without some sort of emotional attachment. I guess there was a point in my life where I had the ability to, and therefore power tripped like no other, spiraled out of control and into a serious identity crisis as a result. (I have evidence from countless journal entries on how lost I really was). I even documented the exact moment I snapped out of it...

March 13, 2007
it's weird where our people have come to. to lay in the arms of one person while our hearts are with another. to kiss and touch and feel another person's skin without feeling anything at all. i have not felt anything for anyone in a long time. the minute i get into my car i am over it, surprising even myself. i guess i really am stronger than i thought. i told you the biggest mistake anyone ever made was underestimating me...

Fast forward to 2009 and it seems that so many people around me are still the same way. To be specific, some of the most beautiful words in the English language have lost all meaning because of this casual affection phenomenon. Why?! How is it so easy to say something you don't have any intention of backing up? I have always promised to live my life with meaning, not only in my actions but in every word I speak and every breath I breathe. There are certain words I reserve for those who truly deserve it. If you are a male, believe me, I will NEVER tell you I'm in love with you unless I'm really in love with you. I don't fall in love easily, whereas some people seem to be able to fall in love every 6 months (lucky bastards).

But I digress. My point is, I feel like so many things in life have lost their meaning because they've been completely overused and beaten to the ground. I'm all for good conversation, but some words are precious and need to be reserved for truly special ears to hear. I am not those ears.

still holds true?

MS Paint sketch I did back in 2005.

circles.

I'm losing control.

I can't really describe my mood. Then again I can't seem to describe anything these days. So I'll list some musicians that would sum it up quite well:

Boom Bip
Lali Puna
Nosaj Thing (new album Drift is definitely on point, by the way)
Cibo Matto
Radiohead (specifically: Kid A, In Rainbows CD1 and CD2)
Toshinori Kondo & DJ Krush

chanel cruise collection.

Apparently, the Chanel Resort 2010 show started two hours late because Karl wanted to wait for the perfect sunset moment. I'd say a show like this was well worth the wait for those lucky enough to see this up close and personal. It was hard for me to decide, but I picked out a few of my favorites.




P.S. - My birthday is coming up in July. If you'd like to help me celebrate my quarter-of-a-century mark, this scarf would be a mighty fine way to contribute.

part of your world.

Sigh, after watching this the lyrics to Little Mermaid's "Part of Your World" come to mind. Well, some of the lyrics, at least. This Chanel pre-fall video just further fuels my desire to be a part of this world. Yesterday I submitted my resume to my dream job as being an advertising account executive in New York for a brand I truly truly admire. I'd rather not say just yet which brand that might be, but let's just say it's a brand that has long been acclaimed for its marketing genius. Crossing my fingers and praying VERY hard. Watching this video makes me want that job even more... and I must say... wanting something has never been so frightening...

wow.

This photo took my breath away. The pose, the girl, the textures, the lighting. So perfect. Image via the Sartorialist

lazy.

I have a note on my computer that says "blog." I need to write about how life-changing Asia was for me. Note to self.

Japan 2009

Here's a quick video montage I threw together of the footage I took in Japan. The song is by LA-based Nosaj Thing, called "Aquarium." Enjoy!

ah, yes.

Might I mention that Japanese boys make me extremely giddy. Not all, but there were more that made my heart flutter in one day alone than there were in the past five years in the US. It's quite ridiculous how picky I am about a man's choice of clothing, and let me tell you, Japanese boys have it DONE RIGHT. Slim-fitting navy or black blazers sometimes with hoodies (usually grey) underneath, skinny jeans, Chucks in a wide color range, neutral flannels and T-shirts, leather jackets, fedora hats, slouchy beanies, messy layered hair to match their impeccably layered outfits, all topped off with chiseled faces that make you wonder if they're direct decendents from samurais. Some go as far as carrying around guitar cases on their backs. Not a style statement I'm sure, but it definitely adds to the whole tortured-artist effect, don't you think? Sighhhh... why don't they make men like this in the states?

asia 2009.

Asia Tour 2009 is finally here. I board the plane in 11 hours. My friend reminded me to blog about my adventures, so I thought I'd start off with what I've prepared:

- Two dresses, five shirts, a coat, a jacket, a blanket, Hai flat iron, etc.
- Toms, Chucks, and a pair of flats.
- iPod AND iPhone, which one might say is completely unnecessary. To those haters out there, I scoff. I scoff in your face.
- New music on my iPod (thanks, Tony. See you in Beijing!)
- International SIM card and unlocked phone (which is not my iPhone, since I was unable to successfully hack it. Fail.)
- A neck pillow for the flight(s).
- My small sketchbook, and three drawing pens. The 0.1 thickness happens to be running out of ink, which happens to be my favorite one, which means I'm kicking myself for being too lazy to make that trip to Sterling Art this past week... ugh.
- 8 GB memory card for my point and shoot camera. And an SLR. Plus chargers galore.
- The latest issues of Vogue and Cosmopolitan. (I don't know why I continue to purchase Cosmo -- I never learn anything new from this mag anymore.)
- Plenty of extra undies.
- A cutie in my purse.
- Vitamin C
- Japanese diarrhea medicine my parents swear by.

serenity.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, & the wisdom to know the difference."

loch raven.

I'm starting to think reeling from the pain of a breakup, no matter how fresh the wound, beats living life without that pain. I told a friend of mine, who shall remain anonymous, how lucky he is to still feel that way about somebody. Because I sure as hell don't.

I am now completely void of emotion. Not counting the very strange and random moments I tear up and even find myself in tears (TV shows, movies, museum exhibits conversations with friends, songs, the aftermath of drunken nights, etc.) These are all circumstances I normally would not have cried under. My emotions are out of whack and I'm starting to wonder if it is a blessing or a curse. A curse because maybe I'm in denial about how fucked up this world and these people and their inner demons really are? Or a blessing because I just cruise on by being unaffected by it all -- still smiling, still laughing, still enjoying each day for what it is?

Who knows, but I know in the end... or shall I say, in the beginning... I know exactly what I'm looking for. That feeling. I don't think many people have been lucky enough to experience that moment yet. In retrospect, I don't recall a moment that even compares to the one that's still etched clearly in my mind. It's sad because I don't think a lot of people recognize that moment or are aware that it's even something that's possible to strive for. But it's there. It was there, and for me, I know it will be again. That moment I met him and the world as I knew it just shattered. Everything I ever believed in and everything I knew about myself, or thought I knew, was promptly blown to pieces.

I always knew exactly what I wanted. I still do. And in that regard, I think I'm incredibly lucky.

my life is now semi-complete.

Last week I finally had the chance to fly up to SF and catch the YSL exhibit. I'm SO glad I made the decision to do so, because it was exactly the push I needed to get me moving forward with the things I'm passionate about in life. I went with my favorite fashionista ever, the lovely Nancy. The two jackets pictured above in particular were incredibly moving. I think we stared for ten minutes straight at these pieces alone. He made these as a tribute to Van Gogh. The photo does NO justice -- when you see these jackets in real life, they sparkle with life as the light hits each meticulously placed bead. Picture millions of glass beads and sequins. I mean, we've all seen embroidery and beading before, but to emulate the bright colors and shading of Van Gogh paintings?? Trying to grasp this concept literally moved me to TEARS. Nancy can vouch for me... I stood there with my mouth open and tears in my eyes, seriously about to cry. Yves Saint Laurent was a genius and true artist for sure. I felt lucky to even stand in that room breathing the same air as these works of art. The emotion I felt in that very moment was overwhelming. It was heartbreaking at the same time to think this man, the last of his kind, is no longer with us. It truly is the end of an era. A moment of silence, please.

2009 new years resolutions.

I know this is a bit late but I figured I should write this down somewhere before I forget:

1. Write/produce a complete song.
2. Get really good at pool.
3. Paint a masterpiece.
4. After 10+ years of dreaming, finally master the art of turntablism.
5. Travel as much as I possibly can.
6. Continue making lemonade out of lemons.
7. As John would say: "Grab life by the horns."

That's about it.

my future husband.

This guy is, without a doubt, my dream come true. Sigh. Paris, here I come? Reposted from The Sartorialist.

for the bored.

Wikipedia "Micropenis." You will hate me.

this guy...

9:49:11 PM Albert: maybe i should just get a hamster
9:49:18 PM Albert: since i cant afford a dog right now
9:49:29 PM Albert: but they're not nearly as fun
9:49:35 PM Albert: as a puppy
9:50:38 PM miss_isadora: hell no
9:50:42 PM miss_isadora: hamsters are so boring
9:50:43 PM miss_isadora: haha
9:58:47 PM Albert: do u like ass
9:59:27 PM miss_isadora: what?
9:59:30 PM miss_isadora: .............?
9:59:40 PM Albert: u know what i'm asking
9:59:46 PM Miss_isadora: that was the most RANDOM shit ever from hamsters to ass.....
9:59:56 PM Albert: haha
9:59:59 PM Miss_isadora: no i actually DONT know what youre asking
10:00:16 PM Albert: do u like a guys ass
10:00:20 PM Miss_isadora: OHHH
10:00:21 PM Miss_isadora: no
10:00:22 PM Miss_isadora: lol
10:00:25 PM Miss_isadora: i think theyre ugly
10:01:11 PM Albert: goddamn i want soem krispy kreme
10:01:41 PM Miss_isadora: WTF
10:01:42 PM Miss_isadora: HAHAHHA
10:01:45 PM Miss_isadora: ur SOOO RANDOM right now
10:02:12 PM Albert: lol
10:02:19 PM Albert: its just cuz i'm looking at shit on the internet
10:02:23 PM Albert: and its making me think of things
10:02:29 PM Albert: krispy kreme might go out of business
10:02:30 PM Miss_isadora: ......like a guy's ass?
10:02:36 PM Albert:
10:02:44 PM Albert: dont ask me what websites i'm looking at

then later..........

10:32:03 PM Albert: hows it going?
10:32:23 PM Miss_isadora: im pooping right now
10:32:32 PM Albert: seriously?
10:32:40 PM Miss_isadora: yes
10:32:42 PM Miss_isadora: seriously.
10:32:45 PM Albert: haha
10:32:50 PM Albert: man we are tight
10:32:54 PM Miss_isadora: for reals dude
10:32:55 PM Miss_isadora: HAHA
10:32:58 PM Miss_isadora: feels sooo good
10:32:59 PM Miss_isadora: im done
10:33:00 PM Albert: when u start sharing poop talk its a sign of closeness
10:33:02 PM Miss_isadora: that was the fastest shit ever
10:33:10 PM Albert: that is a good thing
10:33:12 PM Miss_isadora: for rreeaaalllss... fuck i love u man
10:33:14 PM Miss_isadora: hold up gotta wipe


Sooooooo rad.

my words to chris.

So I'm telling Chris my psychoanalyzed reason for having anxiety - conflicting emotions - and I'm pretty proud of my choice in diction:

"My desire to be adored and fear of being desired."

Damn, I'm good. Too bad this doesn't get rid of my anxiety.

insomnia.

I have insomnia lately. Don't ask why because I have no idea. My fellow insomniac partner and best friend, Erin, is nowhere to be found online, so in a rather pathetic act of desperation, I've decided to revive this very dead blog. I want to attempt a new direction for this blog. "Attempt" being the key word. The fashion industry and fashion blogs have annoyed me to no end as of late. I'm sick of the shallow imbeciles and their banter about insignificant business -- most of which is just regurgitating what their peers are blogging about. Then again, my theory is that most young people around my age regurgitate pretty much anything. I may be guilty of this as well, which is why 2009 is a year of soul searching for me. It isn't quite as daunting as I expected it to be, however I do tend to fall into this dangerous pattern of laziness which gets me nowhere. Oh well.

I ended off 2008 losing everything I started off 2008 with, but this has proved to be quite the blessing in disguise, and I'm actually happier and more carefree than ever. I spent the last month or so of 2008 filtering out a good amount of junk from my life. Burning bridges, if you will. I no longer struggle with trust issues with acquaintances or fair-weather friends. Now March and April is the time for me to pack my bags and fly off to Asia to explore the cultures of Japan, Korea, Taiwan and China. I anticipate a nice and inspiring change from the culture-deprived Orange County and the mindless drones this god-forsaken place has created.

Speaking of inspiration, it just occurred to me why my soul-searching bout has been quite unproductive so far. I'm completely uninspired! The most inspired I feel is when I'm driving when I imagine in my head my next painting. I work myself up and become eager to get home to my sketchbook and paints. But by the time I get home, I never actually even touch my materials! It's frustrating because I just can't bring myself to do anything remotely creative that would have been therapeutic and healthy for me. Drawing, painting, writing, dancing, piano -- nothing! I am so damn lazy it disgusts me sometimes.

Although, to be honest, I must say I really am not all that disgusted with myself. I've been having a blast keeping in touch with and hanging out with my best friends as much as possible, getting to know new friends from my Miss Chinatown alumni network, and just keeping an open mind with the people that are still around me. The latter half of 2008 became a bit dreary for me and my outlook on life was literally killing me. I really have my best friends to thank for saving me.

With that said, happy 2009 to all. I will attempt to sleep now.